never whither the mix tape

This weekend I dropped off a load o’ crap at my Dad’s house aka Adrienne’s Storage Unit and found a box of my old cassettes. Seriously there is no greater joy . . . than finding an old mix tape you made from when you were fifteen, sixteen years old.

It’s like a love letter from the subconscious mind, which at fifteen/sixteen is truly heartbreakingly vulnerable and sweet. I have this one mix that is exclusively love songs of every shape and form. And I can hear my own adolescent voice worrying outloud “Hey, will anyone ever like me?”

I have this one gem in particular that jumps from Lena Horne to Portishead to Connie Francis to Lauryn Hill to Jefferson Airplane to Sonic Youth to Louis Armstrong and it is seriously the most adorable thing in the world. On the ride home today I couldn’t help smiling . . . I actually listened to some seriously bitchin’ music as a kid . . . and at the time, I know I felt like the biggest dork in the world, no one would ever understand me, etc, etc. You wouldn’t believe how much anxiety I generated over the worry that I wouldn’t turn out “alright.” Not cool. I never ever thought I would ever be cool (nor do I think it’s possible - - I always blow any image of coolness by doing or saying something incredibly geeky or awkward) - - I just wanted to be “alright.” I didn’t want to turn out to be an asshole, basically. I didn’t want to be a big fake phony.

As my life right now also has that sort anxiety about my future and what shape my life will take it is so reassuring to connect back to that former self and think “Hey kid, I turned out alright. And you had great taste in music what were you so worried about!?” I guess I still worry sometimes that I will turn out to be a big fake phony asshole . . . but with the right mix tape . . . I think I can survive.

Man oh man. My love song mix tape? Thank GOD for its rediscovery or else I would’ve completely forgotten the song “Azalea” by Louis Armstrong. If you have never heard this song - - please do me a favor and download it. Sit outside this summer in the heat, drink a glass of whiskey with ice and fan yourself, slowly. I found this song whilst babysitting one night after the kiddos had been put to bed, as the parents had an amazing CD collection filled with all these jazz boxed sets. First listen was on low volume at the dining room table drinking a can of ginger ale and imagining myself with big gardenia in my hair slow dancing (even though I imagined it would be the most disgustingly humid summer night ever, the kind where even touching your own skin is unbearable) because with the perfect boy, this was the most perfectly romantic song, ever.

Yeah that one made me cry a little bit today. Also some old school Nirvana Unplugged. Seriously an incredible album, I don’t care what you say. It is just perfect. Pennyroyal Tea . . . okay you are totally entitled to laugh your ass off about this but Pennyroyal Tea? I just remember that undeniable weight of teenage angst and just curling up on my bed listening to this song . . . it is such a sad association to have to a song but hey. You get through it.

My last little mix tape memory for you has a specific geographic location. It’s too far out of town for me to provide you a little Google Map street view (holla ATX) but there’s this curve on 2222 just after the cliffs that always reminds me of Pavement’s Cut Your Hair (I think that’s the title). I know I had it on various mix tapes throughout my teenage years but somehow it was always on whenever my dad’s truck would wind around that specific curve.

I joke that my memory is starting to fade . . . but . . . that was pretty good, non?

In other news, part of my four year tradition I will be completing my post-collegiate mixes which each correspond with a specific year:

FRESHMAN YEAR OF THE REAL WORLD

I’M OKAY WITH ME - SOPHOMORE OF THE REAL WORLD

JUNIOR YEAR IS VERY WEIRD II

. . . and now, finally GRADUATION OF THE REAL WORLD, AUSTIN.

Still completing the final touches  . . . will post a tracking list one of these daze.