oh lord.

It’s happening. I can smell it. Ch-ch-change.

Today I sold my car. I am Blazer-less. A part of me is excited about the idea of getting super tan, bug-bitten and racing down hills on my bad-ass bike. Ripped, I think. My calves will be riiiiipped.

Oh but this is really starting to hit me. This week is my last sock hop. Next week my replacement at work starts training . . . And the next week? My last day of work. A fun visit to the doctor’s office (gals you know what fun I speak of. THAT kind of fun. And then ride your bike home?! Ughs.) and then one more dentist trip for a pseudo-filling. As in “you don’t have a cavity but one day you will so might as well endure another 30 minutes of my terror for thirty bucks.” Sigh.

My little pity party begins tonight around 9-10pm at my neighborhood “saloon.” Will you smile wistfully and crack bitter jokes with me? I’m having one of those days . . . overwhelmed completely. But I have a nice check in the bank so . . . this time we’ll avoid the Lonestar for a hearty Anchor Steam.

Not helping matters: listening to Nina Simone alone in my empty house.

I don’t feel regret. I don’t feel like I’m making a mistake . . .  all it is . . . an invitation to try something new and different and try to reclaim a part of myself I feel like I’ve let go . . . as someone so very used to my little patterns and habits, what I’m trying to do here - - really I want to be uncomfortable for a little while. Because I’ve been here before and there are some wonderfully admirable bits of my personality that emerge that otherwise get buried or hidden away when I get too comfortable. I want to give myself a good surprise, a good shock to the system. It’s not that I feel I’m dead or asleep . . . it’s just once I get into a pattern it’s hard for me to break out of it. I wanna pry the narrow scope of my perspective wiiiide open. Maybe I want to play bongos in the forest. KIDDING. I definitely DO NOT WANT TO PLAY BONGOS OUTDOORS OR OTHERWISE.

Do you understand even a little bit of this rambling?! Me either. But I have the feeling - - same feeling I had before leaving for college . . . this feeling like “When I come back I’m going to be an awesome person.”

I think when I return from my little adventure, I will be an awesome person. Or I will feeeel awesome. Or I will be awesomely in debt. Either way, you won’t be able to say that I don’t have super human strength, courage and a good sense of humor about it. Bongos in the forest. Golden.

Side bar: I had a co-worker the other day say, “You don’t strike me as a funny person,” when I told him I wanted to train at Second City. I smiled meekly and said, “HR isn’t really a funny place . . . unless COBRAs make you giggle.” No I don’t remember what my comeback was. But for the rest of his new hire appointment I had him laughing. That was a great feeling. Secret powers. I have them. Just wait.